Bargain Buylines

Dear Diary,

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!-It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy my life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late-it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human ever hated any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want a dent in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today…Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the tv remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can thank GOD this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (that little shit) will chose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

All good things must come to an end, and ISISPORT SPORTSWEAR is closing its outlet store. Which means one day of an amazing sale.

Literally everything must go, and you will find exceptional deals at up to 75-90% off. We arent kidding you! Expect to find items retailing for $200 yours truly for just $15. Some even as low as $5!

If you are looking for a deal, you HAVE to come by before everything is gone! This is a one day huge blowout sale, and when the day is done, nothing more will be sold. Be sure to bring a friend, or family, cause you can’t afford to miss out on this!

Swing by ISISPORT at 14208 Marsh Lane in Addison.

Sale begins at 10am, Saturday, Sept 27th with Sue Goldstein LIVE on the Air from 11-Noon.

Here’s your chance to go SHOPPING WITH THE DIVA!!

Sue Goldstein and her co-host Jack Bishop will be broadcasting LIVE from the store beginning at 11am on 1160 AM, KCVE. So its a perfect time to swing by and get to meet the Diva of Discounts live and in person. Ask shopping questions, order her brand new book, see a demonstration of the best online shopping technology on the market; There’s lots to do and see!

For all you chocolate lovers out there, heres a heavenly way to bake your cake and eat it too! A simple and quick chocolate fix when you dont want to make a whole cake. Perfect portion for those late night chocolate cravings. Drawback? Potentially the most dangerous cake recipe in the world. Why? Because now we are only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake anytime night or day!

5 Min Chocolate Mug Cake

• 4 tbsp Flour
• 4 tbsp sugar
• 2tbsp cocoa
• 1 egg
• 3tbps milk
• 3 tbsp oil
• Small splash of vanilla
• 3 tbsp choc. chips (optional
• 1 Large Coffee Mug

Add the dry ingredients to mug; mix well. Add in egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in milk and oil; Mix. Add chocolate chips (if desired) and vanilla, and mix again.

Place mug in microwave and cook 3 min at 1000 watts power. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don’t be alarmed. Allow to cool, and tip out onto plate or eat right from the mug.

Voila! Warm, rich and delicious 5 minute chocolate cake!

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, ‘If I could only see the world, I will marry you.’Life Is a Gift

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,’Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?’ The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn’t expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: ‘Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.’

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who’s crying out to GOD for a companion.
Today before you complain about life -Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before you complain about your children -Think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.
Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn’t clean or sweep -Think of the people who are living in the streets.
Before whining about the distance you drive-Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job -Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.
But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you’re alive and still around.

APPLES: protects your heart;  prevents constipation; Blocks diarrhea; Improves lung capacity; Cushions joints

BANANAS: Protects your heart, Quiets a cough, Strengthens bones, Controls blood pressure Blocks diarrhea

BEANS: Prevents constipation, Helps hemorrhoids, Lowers cholesterol, Combats cancer, Stabilizes blood sugar

BEETS: Controls blood pressure, Combats cancer, Strengthens bones, Protects your heart, Aids weight loss

BLUEBERRIES: Combats cancer, Protects your heart, Stabilizes blood sugar, Boosts memory, Prevents constipation

BROCCOLI: Strengthens bones, Saves eyesight, Combats cancer, Protects your heart, Controls blood pressure

CANTALOUPE: Saves eyesight, Controls blood pressure Lowers cholesterol, Combats cancer, Supports immune system,

CARROTS: Saves eyesight, Protects your heart, Prevents constipation, Combats cancer, Promotes weight loss

CAULIFLOWER: Protects against Prostate Cancer, Combats Breast Cancerm Strengthens bonesm Banishes bruises, Guards against heart disease

CHILLI PEPPERS: Aids digestion, Soothes sore throat, Clears sinuses, Combats Cancer, Boosts immune system

FISH: Protects your heart, Boosts memory, Protects your heart, Combats Cancer, Supports immune system

FLAX: Aids digestion, Battles diabetes, Protects your heart, Improves mental health Boosts immune system

GARLIC: Lowers cholesterol, Controls blood pressure, Combats cancer, kills bacteria, Fights fungus

GRAPEFRUIT: Protects against heart attacks,  Promotes Weight los, Helps stops strokes, Combats Prostate Cancer, Lowers cholesterol

GREEN TEA: Combats cancer, Protects your heart, Helps stops strokes, Promotes Weight loss, Kills bacteria

LEMONS: Combats cancer, Protects your heart, Controls blood pressure, Smoothes skin, Stops scurvy

LIMES: Combats cancer, Protects your heart Controls blood pressure Smoothes skin Stops scurvy

MANGOES: Combats cancer, Boosts memory, Regulates thyroid, aids digestion, Shields against Alzheimer’s

MUSHROOMS: Controls blood pressure, Lowers cholesterol, Kills bacteria, Combats cancer, Strengthens bones

OATS: Lowers cholesterol, Combats cancer Battles diabetes prevents constipation Smoothes skin
olive oil Protects your heart Promotes Weight loss Combats cancer Battles diabetes Smoothes skin
onions Reduce risk of heart attack Combats cancer Kills bacteria Lowers cholesterol Fights fungus
oranges Supports immune systems Combats cancer, Protects your heart, Straightens respiration

PEACHES: Prevents constipation, Combats cancer, Helps stops strokes, aids digestion, Helps hemorrhoids 

PEANUTS: Protects against heart disease,  Promotes Weight loss, Combats Prostate Cancer, Lowers cholesterol, aggravates
diverticulitis 

PINEAPPLE: Strengthens bones, Relieves colds, Aids digestion, Dissolves warts, Blocks diarrhea

PRUNES: Slows aging process, prevents constipation, boosts memory, Lowers cholesterol, Protects against heart disease

RICE: Protects your heart, Battles diabetes, Conquers kidney stones, Combats cancer, Helps stops strokes

TOMATOES: Protects prostate, Combats cancer, Lowers cholesterol, Protects your heart  

WALNUTS: Lowers cholesterol, Combats cancer, boosts memory, Lifts mood, Protects against heart disease

WHEAT GERM: Combats Colon Cancer, prevents constipation, Lowers cholesterol, Helps stops strokes, improves digestion

WHEAT BRAN: Combats Colon

I LOVE a great salon. What respectable woman doesn’t? Just to go in, get the latest juicy gossip, be pampered and come out looking even better than when you went in…yes, definately a great thing. So when we went to see Suzette Audia at Suzette Audia Hair Group in Plano, we weren’t disappointed. Hugs all around and among a dozen customers there was plenty of laughter and banter. Just makes your day feel so much better. Every woman needs a good laugh, and we had plenty while we were there. Makes you wonder doesn’t it. Is it really our hair that we obsess about when we HAVE to see our beautician, or is it just the company and quality of friends? In any case, a nice color, wash, trim and style has the ability to put you in an amazingly good mood, don’t you agree. My assistant, Shasta, refused to have her long locks cut shorter. Don’t you worry though, because Suzette and I have a makeover planned for her in the near future. That will be an event in itself, and Im planning on having it video taped and before and after pictures. We are going to give her a chic new style and a new color, so be on the lookout for updates on that! If you are in the market for a new beautician, make your way over to Suzette Audia Hair Group, 4105 Spring Creek Pkwy, Suite 606A in Plano. You will find her salon nestled in the Stone Creek Professional Center. As an ex-trainer for Matrix colouring, she’s the best at what she does and only takes clients by appointment only, so call her and be sure she can get you in!

Eliminate cat’s ear mites.    All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat’s ear…Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat’s skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Kills fleas instantly…Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog’s bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor …Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Did You Know tha t drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately– without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional “pain relievers.”

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They’ll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 table s poon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly– even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes .  Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection… To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer … If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can’t find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover.   Just pour a drop of Elmer’s Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt’s tomato paste boil cure ..cover the boil with Hunt’s tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters… To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine.   A powerful antiseptic.

Vinegar to heal bruises … Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief… It’s not for breakfast any more! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.