My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond … Dumb ass.

From the Pulpit

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke- Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little girl sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service –

Great Words of wisdom. . . Sad, but True

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
          -  Mark  Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
          - Winston  Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
          -  George Bernard Shaw

 4) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have  for dinner.
          - James Board, Civil  Libertarian (1994)

  5) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
          - Douglas Casey,  Classmate of Bill Clinton at

                                          Georgetown University

6) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
          - P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian 

7) Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize  it.
          -  Ronald Reagan (1986)

 8) I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
          - Will Rogers

  9) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s  free.
         -  P.J. O’Rourke

 10) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
          - Voltaire (1764)

11) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you
        - Pericles (430  B.C)

12) No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
           - Mark Twain (1866)

 13) Talk is cheap … except when Congress does it.
          -  Unknown

 14) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
          -  Winston Churchill 

 15) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
          -  Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

16) A government big enough to give you everything you want,

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton

Dallas

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.  When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect. Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators - and
remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas.

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way.
Period.  And remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road . On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5.  It ends 60 miles away in Sherman

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish.  If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed… and remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair  Park

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway

Interstate Loop

If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it’s 10
degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf
Classic is in the second round (if it’s Spring) - and it is the Texas State Fair if it’s Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don’t Mess With Texas Drivers … remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas.

All Americans are entitled to free credit reports every year from each of the three major credit bureaus. The credit reports used to cost as much as $9.50 each.