« The Underground Genie
Nov 04 2008

Getting in Shape!

Posted by: Diva in shopping

Dear Diary,

For my Bday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and a model for athletic and swim wear.
 
MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek Goddess-with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillfull way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my guy was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

 

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!-It’s a whole new life for me.

 

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy my life. She said some other shit too.

 

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half hour late-it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

 

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human ever hated any other human in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want a dent in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?

 

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today…Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the tv remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can thank GOD this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (that little shit) will chose a gift for me that is fun—like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 at 2:14 pm and is filed under shopping. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Getting in Shape!”
  1. Pat Tuell says:
    November 8th, 2008 at 6:50 am

    Dear God, please let this person live a long and exercise free life. Such humor can only come from a happily aerobic-free life.
    Your aerobics instructor reminds me a bit of the cardiologist I had to see once for a surgery pre-op stress test.
    He put me on one of those treadmills that gradually begin a steep incline. When I couldn’t catch my breath after about 3 minutes (I could’ve sworn it was at least 20!) he made me stop and lie down. He said I was about to pass out.
    When I asked him if that wasn’t good enough he told me that I should work up a good sweat. I replied that I only sweated during dancing or sex. He looked so damned serious and deeply concerned. His tech, on the other hand was about to bust a gut holding in the laughter!
    When the doc left the room, the tech and I had a good laugh at his expense. The tech confided in me that this young doctor spent his lunch hour jogging while jumping rope. Sounds like he just needs to get laid.

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